Bakura and the Psychiatrist
by Bakura o aishimasu
Summary: Ryou has had enough with Bakura and sends him to a psychiatrist for day. What will happen? Will the poor psychiatrist snap, or will Bakura finally become sane? Not likely.


_Bakura and the Psychiatrist_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, Dr. Figerener, Happy Dipper, or the girl who works there._

A white haired boy sat all alone in a unusually large room. He was currently sitting on a large couch next to a magazine rack. On the opposite side was a chair with a notebook and pen resting carefully on the cushion. As for the room itself, it was full of random little things such as plants, pictures, and the occasional candle for whatever reason it was there.

As for why the spirit had a mortal body, that's a different story, but as for why he was_here_. . . . He hadn't meant to set the microwave on fire. All he wanted to do was heat up some poptarts because he had destroyed the toaster the other day. He didn't mean to forget to take them out of the package. He didn't know that the package was actually made of something that would make the microwave catch on fire. And he didn't know that throwing the rest of the box of poptarts to make the fire go out would make it explode!

Unfortunately, that wasn't when Ryou got home. No, he got home right after the spirit destroyed the oven after finding out that you aren't supposed to put bottles of hair spray in it. The hair spray bottles were only his victim because they had run out and his middle spike wasn't spiking like it should have been.

That wasn't when Ryou finally lost it. The poor teen actually had enough patience with the spirit to help him clean up some of the mess talking about how he needed a new 'microwave, oven, and toaster anyway'. What made the teen snap was the fact that the spirit forgot to turn the oven off after he destroyed it. So when they were cleaning the kitchen and Bakura started spraying the ground with this highly toxic, cleaning spray, it made the entire kitchen explode. That's what got him sent _here._

Here was something the mortals called a 'psychiatrist'. The spirit had no idea what it was for back in his day when someone had a problem with someone it would usually end up in a bloody death. Is that why Ryou took him here?

The spirit looked over at the notebook at the other side of the room. There was writing on it, but he couldn't make out what exactly it was. Curious (and deciding that if he wasn't going to die anyway he mine as well look) he walked over to the notebook and picked it up to examine it.

Written upon the notebook were a bunch of tic tac toe games. All of them ended up in a tie and seemed to have been played by the same person. But who? The spirit searched through the rest of the notebook finding nothing of interest or anything that would tell him who he was supposed to meet. Only words such as 'world domination', 'chickens', and 'giggles' caught his eye for a second, but that was it.

Soon after that, he was bored. Being the spirit he was he had to find something to entertain himself, so he decided to try and play a game of this 'tic tac toe' against himself. Picking up the pen, he started playing.

Only minutes later did he realize that the side he was purposely sabotaging, named Pharaoh, had somehow managed to win every game against him! Letting out an aggravated sigh, he slammed the pen down on the chair along with the notebook and stomped back over to his chair. What he didn't realize was that when he slammed the pen down the ink became loose and started pouring out onto the cushion.

Right when he reached the couch, a man came in. He looked like he was in his late forties. He had short grey hair and a grey mustache with blue eyes. All in all, he had a nice presence about him.

He smiled warmly when he saw the spirit. "Hello Bakura. My name is Dr. Figerener and I'm your psychiatrist for the day." He walked over to the chair and picked up the notebook and pen and sat down. On the wet ink.

There was a horrible squishing sound as his butt sunk deeper into the ink. Fortunately for him, he was wearing black pants.

There was an odd silence between them for a few seconds before Dr. Figerener decided that he would just ignore the wet feeling and go on with the session. "I was told by your brother, Ryou, that you had some issues. Care to talk about these issues?"

"It was all that damn movies fault!" Bakura cried indignantly. "If I hadn't seen 'The Little Toaster Goes to Space' I wouldn't have tried to catapult the toaster into space! Then I wouldn't have blown up the microwave and destroyed the oven. And I sure as hell wouldn't have blown up the kitchen!"

Dr. Figerener started writing some of this down in his notebook, but quickly found that all of the pens ink had gone on the chair. "Movies and tv can often have bad impacts on people and teenagers. What do you think compelled you to try and get that toaster into space?"

Bakura stared blankly at the man. "The movie."

"That's not what I mean," Dr. Figerener said smoothly. "I mean, why did you feel the need to try and get the toaster into space after you watched the movie. Why did you have to enact the scenes?"

Bakura paused and tilted his head up in thought. "I guess it was boredom. There's only so many times you can watch that movie before you want to go do something with a toaster!"

"Boredom. Interesting." Dr. Figerener found a pencil and started writing some more in his notebook. "Are you bored a lot? Do you find that you make mistakes such as the one that got you here when you are bored?"

"Well duh." Bakura rolled his eyes. "When I'm bored I get creative. Which means I destroy stuff or play horrible pranks that aren't in any way funny to anyone else but me."

"Have you thought of taking on a hobby?" Dr. Figerener asked, scribbling some more. "Maybe that would help your boredom."

"Already got one," Bakura replied, leaning back in the couch. He was surprised how comfortable it was.

"If I may ask, what is it?"

Bakura bit his lip. How to say this. "Okay, there's this guy and I've kind of made it my goal to get him to surrender his items to me."

The pencil snapped and Dr. Figerener looked up at Bakura in surprise. "Does he want to?"

"Hell no!" Bakura grumbled. "He's the 'good one'." He rolled his eyes. "Besides, if he already gave it to me than why would it still be my hobby?"

"So you're just interested in him for his -?" Dr. Figerener left the sentence hanging in order to make sure he was hearing things right.

"His goods of course!" Bakura finished with a snort. "Why else would I be after him? He's so gay with all his speeches about the 'heart of the cards'. How many times can one say 'the card will guide me!'? I swear! He must cheat half the times because he always draws the winning card at the _last moment! _It's not fair!"

Dr. Figerener settled for a marker and started writing some more things in his notebook. "Is there anything else?"

"I want a hamburger and a shake."

The psychiatrist looked up in surprise. "What?"

"A hamburger and a shake," Bakura repeated. "Is there something wrong with that? I want one from Happy Dippers."

"I'm sure you can get one after the session," Dr. Figerener replied, looking back down at his notes. "So this guy, is there any other reason why you're after him?"

"Burgers."

"Focus," Dr. Figerener sighed. "We only have a forty-five minutes left. Now, tell me what's on your mind."

"Shakes and burgers from Happy Dippers."

"Bakura."

"Burgers."

"You need to concentrate."

"I would do better if I got a burger and a shake."

Dr. Figerener let out an aggravated sigh. "Alright, we'll get you a burger and a shake. It shouldn't take to long to get to a Jack in the Box."

"Happy Dippers."

"Bakura, it's to long of a drive -"

"HAPPY DIPPERS!"

"Fine! Fine!" Dr. Figerener held up his hands in defeat. "We'll got to Happy Dippers. Now lets go." He grabbed his keys from his pocket and stood up. Once again there was a horrible squishing sound.

Dr. Figerener thought it would be easy finding 'Happy Dippers'. Boy was he wrong. He had expected Bakura to know the way, but the only place Bakura knew how to get to was 'Raunchy Ryans', for who knew what reason.

"Alright Bakura," Dr. Figerener sighed, after once again being lead to that one building. "I'm going to stop off at a gas station to get some directions."

Bakura shrugged. "Alright."

Dr. Figerener quickly got out of the car and walked into the gas station, ignoring the wet feeling on his butt and the odd looks he kept on getting from people. "Sir, do you know the way to Happy Dippers?"

The old man looked over at him with squinting eyes. "Of course I do! I'm not a fool! It's over the river and past the well. A block up from the red wagon and a few paces from the wet willy."

"Erh." Dr. Figerener looked around, but found that the only help he could get was from this man. "Thank you?" He quickly ran out and back into the car.

"Got directions?"

"Yes but I don't understand them." Dr. Figerener shook his head. "The man said 'over the river and past the well. Then a block up from the red wagon and a few paces from the wet willy'."

It suddenly clicked and Bakura grinned. "I remember now! Now, we have to find the red wagon . . ."

It took them five minutes to find the red wagon, then another fifteen to actually find 'Happy Dippers'. Apparently, the store prided itself for being out in the middle of no where.

At this point, Dr. Figerener just wanted to get back to his office and be gone with the teen. He pulled up to the speaker and looked at the board. "Just one hamburger and a chocolate shake right?"

Bakura nodded.

The voice of the woman shook the car. "Welcome to Happy Dippers how may I help you?"

"I would like," Dr. Figerener started, but was interrupted.

"Would you like to have our new Happy Dipper Dip of Dipper? It's new and it's so darn delicious!"

"No thank you," Dr. Figerener replied. "I would just like one Happy Dip and one Dipper Chocodip shake."

"Are you sure you don't want our Happy Dipper Dip of Dipper? Come on! I know you want one!"

"No thank you."

"Are you sure you don't want one?"

"Yes. I'm fine. How much will it be?"

"Twelve ninety-five . . . If you include that Happy Dipper Dip of Dipper!"

"Look lady," Dr. Figerener growled. "I don't want no damn Happy Dipper Dip of Dipper! I just want a burger and a shake!"

"Fine. Just _be _that way. It'll be eight twenty-five at the window."

"Thank you." The psychiatrist shook his head and pulled up to the window. The girl immediately appeared and took his change.

"Have a nice day," she said, as she handed him the food.

"You too." Dr. Figerener handed the food to Bakura and drove off. "Alright. We should make it back in time."

Bakura started digging into his hamburger. However, one bite and he threw it out the car window.

Dr. Figerener slammed on the brakes. "Why did you do that for!"

"The meat wasn't raw," Bakura replied simply, taking a sip of his shake. "Can we get another one?"

Dr. Figerener sighed and turned around, heading back toward Happy Dipper. Lucky for him, there was no line.

The girl's voice came through the speaker again. "Welcome to Happy Dipper! Would you be interested in our Happy Dipper Dip of Dipper?"

"No thank you. I'm back because I would like the Happy Dip rare." He turned to Bakura and received a nod. "That's all."

"Are you sure you don't want a Happy Dipper Dip of Dipper?"

"Yes, I'm sure. How much will that be?"

"Six eight-four . . . . With the Happy Dipper Dip of Dipper!"

"I'm just pulling up to the window and I want just _one _hamburger." He put his foot on the gas and pulled up to the window.

"Are you sure you don't want a Happy Dipper Dip of Dipper?" the girl asked again as she took the money from him. "They're really good!"

"I'm sure." He sighed and took the burger from the lady, handing it to Bakura. "Is that cooked alright?"

Bakura took one look at the burger and shook his head. "Nope. I want it so rare that it practically moos."

"Alright, do you think you can cook me up another one?" Dr. Figerener asked the girl.

"If you get a Happy Dipper Dip of Dipper!"

"Look, I don't want one. Can you please just fill my order now?"

"If you get a Happy Dipper Dip of Dipper."

"I'm hungry," Bakura growled, tugging his shirt. "When I'm hungry I get bored. And you already know what happens when I get bored."

"Please just give me a hamburger."

"I already told you. Only if you get a Happy Dipper Dip of Dipper. They really are good!"

"I'm hungry!"

"Happy Dipper Dip of Dipper!"

There was a metaphorical snap that signified Dr. Figerener's sanity going down the tube. Soon after followed a scream and a loud crunch.

Ryou hummed happily to himself as he walked up to the door. It wasn't so much that he wanted Bakura to go to therapy, it just gave him more time to himself. A day off, and boy was it great. Now he was ready to face the menace that was his yami.

He reached the door quickly and knocked three times. He was surprised when Bakura spoke up, telling him to 'come in'. Even more surprising was that Bakura was lounging on the couch slurping a shake from Happy Dipper while reading a magazine. There was no sign of Dr. Figerener.

Ryou gulped as he turned his attention back to Bakura. He almost didn't want to hear the answer to his question. "Where's Dr. Figerener?"

Bakura looked up nonchalantly from his magazine. "Oh, him? He's out back burying a body."


End file.
